A Night of Absinthe
by Laura Fones
Summary: It is said that one night as a treat for his cast and crew, Baz Luhrmann provided real Absinthe on the set of Moulin Rouge. This is what I suppose occurred that evening.


Title: A Night of Absinthe  
  
Author: Laura Fones  
  
E-Mail: rb46628@aol.com  
  
Distribution: I require a contract signed in blood.or a simple e-mail asking my permission, whichever is convenient.  
  
Spoilers: Well, amusingly enough, no.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Content: The escapades of Ewan McGregor when imbibing Absinthe.  
  
Feedback: I'm just bait for flaming, aren't I.  
  
Summary: It is said that one night as a treat for his cast and crew, Baz Luhrmann provided real Absinthe on the set of Moulin Rouge. This is what I suppose occurred that evening.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own and am not affiliated with any part of Baz Luhrmann's production, and I most definitely assure you, I am making no money from this.  
  
Author's Notes: Interestingly enough, this story may not, in fact, be fallacious, since no one on the set can actually remember what happened while tripping on the Green Fairy. All that was reported was from Ewan McGregor (Christian), who described a "vibrating in his vision" the following day. Also, as a side note, I've no idea what these actors or technicians are like in reality, so personalities may be devoid of accuracy (though my portrayal of McGregor is much more informed, as I've noticed a trend in many of his movies and have read a number of rather disturbing articles in which he exhibits a somewhat troubling preoccupation with his, as Toulouse so gently put it, "huge talent").  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The almighty director (hereafter known as Baz) entered the gargantuan set of the main hall, where all of his cast and crew lay sprawled about, exhausted from a day's work. "I bring you gifts!" Said he to his loyal artisans, "Of the likes you have never seen before!" Craig Pearce trotted happily behind the Almighty, already under the fairy's sway.  
  
Baz sauntered down the hall with the grace inherent only to those who practice sobriety and he leapt upon the stage, arms raised in melodramatic pose. Summoning his minions of caterers-turned-Absinthe panderers, he spoke with resounding power as his employees looked upon him in hesitant awe. "I bring you ABSINTHE!"  
  
The loud roar of celebration rose up from even the underused throats of the unaccredited, miscellaneous dancers, as John Leguizamo murmured under his breath: "Been there, done that." Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman, who were until that moment slumped together in exhaustion, rejoiced at the mere thought of the hallucinogenic. Neither thought to ask 'what would my spouse think?'  
  
Soon Luhrmann's entourage of psychotropic pimps had bestowed a round of cloudy green liquid to every member of the company (including the Green Fairy herself, who inexplicably arrived on location, even though her part was to be shot by second unit and against a blue screen). Moments of noiseless intake blurred rapidly into an increasing howl of drunken louts.  
  
Ewan had found his way out of his entanglement on the floor with his co- star and onto the dance floor where he drunkenly spouted old love songs. He leapt skillfully onto the stage as he belted out a mixed rendition of 'Funny Valentine', which, thanks to the alarmingly high-quality acoustics of Catherine Martin's set design, could be heard echoing through the sound stage's corridors. Both China Doll and Arabia were quick to join Mr. McGregor onstage as his tune changed dramatically and he began to vocalize 'Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves'.  
  
Ironically, the Argentinean, after imbibing near three servings of emerald liquid, collapsed, asleep, in a heap upon the booth seat, as both of the well dressed midgets began to salsa with two of the Roxanne dancers who were significantly taller. A half-hour later, all four were to be found in the back of Miss. Satine's private dressing room.  
  
After the Scotsman's voice had subsided and the darker-skinned girls had found more flexible males in the dance company, Ewan stomped off to have a much-awaited talk with Le Chocolat.  
  
"Undo your pants, my dear Moor!" He intoned in chiefly voice, one that sounded frighteningly akin to Sean Connery's own.  
  
"I beg your pardon, Sir!" The African challenged and fell into a defensive pose.  
  
Soon an argument sprang up and both pants sprung open. All that can be concluded of the contest was from the dancer's dejected expression as McGregor laughingly did up his trousers.  
  
"I arise triumphant!" He proudly declared and swiftly stood atop Kidman's table, beginning to shed his shirt.  
  
Baz, in his teetotal state, quickly intervened and drug Ewan from his perch. "Ewan!" He yelled, "How dare you violate Ms. Kidman in such a way! Have you no shame?"  
  
He looked confused for a moment, but soon beamed with an innocent smile. "But Mr. Luhrmann, sir," He pleaded, "If you won't let me be naked on film, can't I be naked off camera?"  
  
"No!" The director scolded the actor, who at the moment was attempting to be immeasurably cute (and succeeding admirably), "Ms. Kidman's contract strictly forbids any of her current co-stars exposing their genitalia in her direct line of sight."  
  
"Well, I've got a thong." Ewan offered sweetly and was then bashed about the head by an irate director who was bound via austere contractual agreements.  
  
It was just as well, as at that moment, Nicole's attention was drawn to one of the unusually attractive Roxanne dancers. She rose and gracefully caught his hand. "Let's dance." She purred, and he was happy to gratify, yelling hurriedly to his dancer friend, "Hey, Nicole Kidman asked me to dance!"  
  
Satie had gotten a hold of one of the more mellifluous instruments of musical composure and he promptly put into action a tango to which the pair could step. The music awoke the Argentinean and he was quick to his feet, grabbing China Doll from a dancer's clutches and carrying her onto the dance floor to join Kidman and her strumpet. Ewan, feeling left out and rather inebriated, dragged a defenseless young script girl from the corner and began to bill and coo her on the stage.  
  
"You're married!" She squealed the rejection and sprung off the stage to find her very own Roxanne dancer.  
  
"I am?" Ewan searched his Absinthe-idled memory and cooed in recognition, "Oh yeah."  
  
Having been rejected by the dancer-seeking wench, and having come to realize his marital bounds, he again found himself onstage and unbuttoning his trousers. This time Baz was too late and the Doctor, who was working the pyrotechnics, ignited a flash of glittery sparks as the actor stood completely nude on the platform. Giving up, Luhrmann simply hid his head and rocked back and forth on the floor, knowing the next day would undoubtedly bring in numerous lawsuits. None of which would be from McGregor.  
  
A microphone descended from on high and some female can-can dancers clad in period undergarments joined Ewan's side as they broke into choreographed dance to Ewan's performance of 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman'.  
  
The hall packed with intoxicated cast members suddenly aligned in dance formation and they began to sway with McGregor's voice. Soon after, lit lighters were waved in the air as he sung a heart wrenching 'Everything I Do (I Do It For You)'.  
  
In all the flurry, no one noticed Kidman and her dancer leave to Satine's private dressing room. Nor did they notice that the cameras were in fact rolling. And no one, especially his spouse, noticed the presence of the infamous Tom Cruise at the back of the hall.  
  
  
  
That night, Kidman and the dancer came upon the midgets in her dressing room, and their plans for copulation were thwarted.  
  
The next day, everyone (including McGregor, who had inexplicably been dressed in the night) awoke on the set, rather blurry and amnesic, and with a vibrating in his or her vision.  
  
Tom Cruise, at the conclusion of filming, left Nicole Kidman, affirming only "she knows the reason why".  
  
She maintains to this day that she cannot remember.  
  
As for the tape of their escapades, Baz Luhrmann has kept it and catalogued it. He plans to use it as black mail to persuade cast members into returning for another equally mishandled Bazmark Production.  
  
THE END. 


End file.
